*Note: this is the original text of my 1999/2000 Scholastic Art & Writing Award-winning screenplay. Aaaaaaaawwwwwwwww yeah.

Invasion of the Puppy Peoples

A Space Comedy in One Act

Scene One: Introduction

Various space scenes—stars, moon, etc—flit across the screen as theme is played. The camera focuses in on a faraway speck, zooms in to reveal the MILKBONE 1.23/45-678(mdl. 9). Music fades as narrator’s voice cuts in.

Narrator: (clears throat noisily) Hm hm. Well, the story I have to tell you is a long one, so you’d better take a seat. Uh, it all started a really long time ago. Hal, could you rewind the tape for me? Thanks a lot.

Picture begins to rewind, then becomes a blur. Finally it stops on a desert scene. There is smoke rising from a dark spot in the sand. A figure is crawling away from it.

Narrator: So anyway, it started a long time ago. One of our ships was downed in the Great War of Something-or-Other. There was a sneak attack by the Katz, who were hiding behind a moon. Fortunately, the planet was inhabited, and friendly.

Another, larger figure comes into view. It sees the injured, rushes to it. It starts to jump up and down with excitement, making loud hoots.

Narrator: Unfortunately, they weren’t that bright. We had to teach them the basics: fire, farming methods, catch. Some of them weren’t even housetrained! Eventually, they learned, and a bunch of other stuff happened too, which brings us up to the present. Nowadays, we are almost inseparable. You know what they say: a man is a dog’s best friend!

Pictures now are of dogs playing Frisbee, stick, eating, etc.

Narrator: Everything has been fine. That is, until a few years ago. That’s when the High Lord Grandioso of All Things Good and Beef, Josh (may he rule for twenty years), decided we should speed up the process a little and earn our rightful place as rulers of the planet. He sent a ship out to round up the locals, called the MILKBONE 1.23/45-678(mdl. 9).

We have now returned to the original space scenes.

Narrator: Their mission was to make contact with the local leaders, and put some plans into motion. They were armed with the latest weapons and technology, including full body disguises and a Really Big Killer Weapon Gun Thingy. Little did they know, even that wouldn’t be enough…

Zoom in to MILKBONE 1.23/45-678(mdl. 9).

Scene Two: Approach

Interior. MILKBONE 1.23/45-678(mdl. 9). A few select officialsRuff-Ruff, Spike, Killer, and Tomalready in human disguise, are sitting around a table talking. Around them, others are chasing squeaky balls, tugging on ropes, and eating.

Ruff-Ruff: (He is a fairly young teen, wearing thin-rimmed spectacles and a lab coat.) We have but a few hours until we are in range of the planet. There are still several orders of business to take care of. Number one is ranking. Since Killer and I seem to have the highest intelligence, we should have the longest titles. And the most Grand’s and High’s. Secondly, we need a salute. It needs to be something special, something with flair. Any suggestions?

There is a blank look on everyone’s faces.

Ruff-Ruff: Okay. We’ll get back to that later. Now, Spike, have you taken inventory?

Spike: (He is smaller than the others, with large, wild eyes that can’t seem to focus on one thing for more than three seconds.) Yes, sir. The biscuit content looks good, there’s plenty of squeakers, all seems good. Nothing out of place, sir.

Ruff-Ruff: Good. Now Killer, what about the weapons storage?

Killer: (He is more calm than the rest, with his hair greased back, and very soft-spoken.) Yes. The weapons. They are all there. Right where they belong.

Ruff-Ruff: Very good, Killer. Does anyone have anything else to bring up?

Tom raises his hand.

Ruff-Ruff: Yes, Tom?

Tom: Will there be any milk on this planet? I am quite fond of milk.

Ruff-Ruff: (Suspiciously) Yes, Tom. There will be. Now, you may all rest until we land. The sunbathing chamber is first door on the left.

Spike, Tom, and Killer begin to exit.

Ruff-Ruff: Except you, Killer. Stay.

The others turn and leave.

Ruff-Ruff: Did you notice anything… funny? About that new recruit, that Tom guy.

Killer: Well, his ears are humorously floppy, sir. And he was telling us this joke earlier about some duck or something trying to get across this road…

Ruff-Ruff: No, I mean… suspicious.

Killer: Suspicious, sir? Not that I noticed. Although, he does tend to avoid the other crewmen…

Ruff-Ruff: Maybe I’m just nervous. It is our first mission, and a very important one at that. No need to be nervous, though. Just because our entire careers, not to mention the future of the Puppy Peoples Empire, nay, the entire universe, hinges entirely on my decisions as commanding officer of this vessel…

Long pause.

Killer: I’ll just be going now, shall I?

Ruff-Ruff remains still, staring straight ahead.

Killer: Yes. Well then. Um, I’ll see you in an hour, huh? Right.

Killer exits, closes door. Fade out.

Scene Three: Arrival

A back alley somewhere in Washington DC. Ruff-Ruff, Killer, Tom, and Spike are walking excitedly along excitedly, marveling at the sights.

Spike: I can swear I’ve spotted at least… (stares at paws) six bones in the last minute! And was that a butcher’s shop back there?!?

Killer: They don’t appear to have a very heavy defense system. This will be all too easy.

Ruff-Ruff: We passed a Frisbee a while back. Very interesting design idea! A fine application of aerodynamics!

Tom: I’m not sure, but I think a mouse just scuttled by my foot!

All stop and stare at Tom.

Tom: What? I just happen to like mice!

Suddenly a mugger leaps out from the shadows.

Mugger: Alright, everyone! Hand it over right now!

Spike: Hand over what?

Mugger: Your money! All of it, now!

Tom: What’s money?

Ruff-Ruff: And why should we give you our money, sir?

Mugger: (Pulls out a gun) Because I have this!

Ruff-Ruff: Oh, so you would like to conduct a trade! Excellent! I believe I have a few biscuits on me somewhere…

Tom: What’s money?

Mugger: I’m not kidding! I’ll use it!

Spike: Speaking of biscuits, I could really go for a milkbone right now!

Ruff-Ruff: This is really an interesting cultural artifact. It looks like some sort of primitive weapon. Do you see the cocking mechanism here?

Tom: What’s money?

Spike: Or a nice beefy steak, that would be nice too.

Ruff-Ruff: And look at this trigger! Really fine workmanship here…this would really be an interesting souvenir…Killer?

Killer: Yes, sir?

Ruff-Ruff: See if you can negotiate a compromise with this nice little human here. I have to go scout ahead for someplace to set up base. Come on, men.

Spike: Yes sir!

Ruff-Ruff, Spike, and Tom exit.

Tom: (Whispering, to Ruff-Ruff) What’s money?

Mugger: Wait! Where are you going? Come back here! I have a gun! (Turns to Killer) Get them to come back here, or I’ll give you a piece of this!

Killer: I’m supposed to take all of it.

Mugger: That’s not what I meant! I…

Killer: Would you please hand it over to me? I will resort to violence if necessary, and I assure you that I would prefer to.

Mugger prepares to shoot, but the gun is yanked from his hand.

Killer: Now, thank you for being cooperative. I would love to do business with you again. (Flashes a smile) But right now, I have to join my crew.

Mugger: But… What… But I…

Killer exits.

Mugger: Wait! Come back here! I have a…oh man!

Scene Four: Takeover

Interior. A large open room, somewhere in White House. Two Presidential Bodyguards are standing outside a large double-door with an eagle on it. They are dressed in matching black suits with black sunglasses and short-cut hair.

Guard 1: How’s your wife been doing, John?

Guard 2: Been doing well, Bob.

Guard 1: Good, good. And the kids? They doing fine too?

Guard 2: Yep. Little Billie started kindergarten just last week.

Guard 1: How about Mary? What grade’s she going into now?

Guard 2: Must be fifth now.

Guard 1: How time flies.

Guard 2: Yep.

Guard 1: You planning on getting her that puppy soon? Only I know a guy…

Guard 2: Bob, you know I can’t stand dogs.

Guard 1: Sorry, I forgot.

Guard 2: Absolutely despise them.

Ruff-Ruff and Killer rush in.

Ruff-Ruff: Take me to your leader.

Guard 1: Do you have an appointment?

Ruff-Ruff: Sure I do! Killer, come show this human our appointment!

Killer comes forward and smiles.

Guard 1: Well come on! Let’s see it!

Killer: I am the appointment.

Guard 2: Very funny. Now, you can’t get in without an appointment…

Ruff-Ruff: I demand to see your commanding officer!

Guard 1: I’ll tell you what, I’ll show you how you can schedule an appointment if you show me some identification.

Ruff-Ruff and Killer each hand over a pedigree form. Guard 2 looks up from his to Killer, who smiles.

Guard 2: Come on, this isn’t funny. I’m sure you aren’t dogs. (Looks at Killer again) Pretty sure. And anyway, I couldn’t let you in right now even if you had an appointment. The President’s away on some business.

Killer: Let us in right now!

Guard 2: Look, I told you…

Killer: Please? It wouldn’t be fair to make me hurt you.

Ruff-Ruff: Killer, just let it go.

Killer grabs one of the guards in each hand.

Killer: Now will you let us see him?

Guard 1: I said we can’t…

Killer throws them on the ground.

Ruff-Ruff: Now look what you did! I told you, if you handle them the mother won’t let them back into the nest. Well, we’d better take them back with us…

Ruff-Ruff and Killer exit, Killer dragging the guards along behind him.

Scene Five: Contact

The sidewalk of a suburb of Washington DC. Spike and Tom are speaking as they walk.

Spike: Alright, let’s go over this one more time. What are we looking for?

Tom: Ruff-Ruff said that the contact would be waiting outside a green house with a black box on a stick in front. There should be some Earthling symbols on this box. They should look like this.

Tom holds out a paper with numbers written on it. They are inaccurately drawn, as a small child would write numbers.

Spike: And what’s the contact going to look like?

Tom: What do you think he’ll look like? A dog!

Spike: Jeez! Just checking.

Pause.

Spike: So what are we looking for again?

Tom: I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Ah, here we are.

They arrive in front of a house. Standing outside is a medium size dog.

Spike: So where’s the contact?

Tom: Probably her. (Kneels down by the dog, says in a baby-voice:) Are you the contact?

The dog wags its tail.

Tom: I told you. Now come on, it’s getting dark.

Spike: (Flustered) But she can’t be the contact! The contact was supposed to be a great warrior! A representative of the greatest of our comrades on Earth!

Tom: So?

Spike: She’s a female!

Tom: Hey, I’ve known some real tough bit—females. Some of them were real mothers!

Spike: I’m just saying…

Tom: I know what you’re just saying. Just let it go, okay? If the humans felt that she was the best representative, then she probably is. Now let’s go back, okay?

Spike: Okay, but I don’t like it.

Spike and Tom exit, followed by the dog.

Scene Six: Debriefing

Desert scene. Camera focuses in on Puppy Peoples Earth Base, shaped like an old, chewed-up tennis shoe. Tanks drive up twisted shoelaces. Zoom in to find a large table. At the head is Ruff-Ruff, and seated around it are Killer, Spike, and Tom. In the background is a scene similar to that on the MILKBONE 1.23/45-678(9).

Ruff-Ruff: Attention, everyone! Our contact is on her way now. We have provided her with a translator, since the language she uses has evolved a little differently than our own. According to this sheet, our “rough” is pronounced in her language as “ruff,” our “roof” is pronounced “ruff,” and our “harmonica” is pronounced “ruff.” Now, when she arrives, I would like you to treat her with the greatest respect possible.

Ruff-Ruff glares at Spike.

Spike: What? You’re always picking on me!

Ruff-Ruff: I’m not picking on you! I just happened to look at you when I said that. We need to look snappy when she comes. I’m sure the dogs here are very refined. Although we abolished slavery years ago, I have noticed that they keep a few people to feed them, clothe them, etcetra. No comments about this, okay?

Ruff-Ruff glares at Spike.

Spike: You’re doing it again! You’re staring at me! I never said anything about slavery!

Ruff-Ruff: I never said you did! You’re letting your imagination get the better of you! Now, when our contact comes to greet us, I need some dogs to stand around me. Dogs I can trust to be courteous and respectful.

Ruff-Ruff glares at Spike.

Spike: You’re staring at me! Look, he’s staring at me! Look, see, you can tell because of that little squint he has!

Ruff-Ruff: I am not staring at you!

Spike: Yes you are!

Ruff-Ruff: No I’m not!

Spike: You are too!

Ruff-Ruff: Am not!

Spike: Are too!

Ruff-Ruff: Am not!

They continue fighting. As they do, the contact enters, being led on a leash by the translator.

Tom: Uh, Ruff-Ruff…

Ruff-Ruff: I wasn’t even looking in your direction!

Tom: Ruff-Ruff…

Ruff-Ruff: I was looking all the way across the room!

Tom: Ruff-Ruff!

Ruff-Ruff: What is it? Can’t you see I’m busy?

Tom: The contact’s here.

Ruff-Ruff: Oh. (Straightens up) Well. Come on, everybody. Let’s line up!

Ruff-Ruff, Killer, Spike, and Tom line up. The others quit playing and watch. The contact and translator walk up and down the line.

Ruff-Ruff: Let me introduce myself. I am the Grand High Strategist High Captain Leader Grand High Head of the MILKBONE 1.23/45-678(mdl. 9) Grand… High… High… …Ruff-Ruff. This is my number two, High Military Aggressive Force Grand High Weapons Manager In Charge of Military Weapons…Guy, Killer. Over here is Spike, Inventory Manager; and Tom, our…what exactly do you do, Tom?

Tom: Whatever you tell me to, sir.

Ruff-Ruff: Good answer. Now, everyone, show our new friend our salute, which is snappy and precise, right everyone?

Tom, Spike, and Killer agree reluctantly.

Ruff-Ruff: Well, let’s see!

Tom, Spike, and Killer pull off various salutes. There is much confusion and bumping.

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: She introduces herself as Queen Indi, Depletor of Food Bowls.

Ruff-Ruff: Pleased to make your acquaintance, Queen Indi. After the Grand Tour, we can run down to the dining hall so you can show off your talents. Now, off to your right you can see the biscuit vats, and if you’ll follow me we can take a look at the frisbee training camp…

Ruff-Ruff, Killer, Spike, Tom, the contact, and the translator exit.

Scene Seven: Murder

Interior. An elaborately set dining hall. Seated at the head of a large table are Ruff-Ruff, Killer, Spike, Tom, and the translator. On the floor next to the translator is the contact. On the floor at other places around the table are various others. On the table are various dog delicacies: steak, liverwurst, cheese, etc. On each place setting is a large plate with lumps of wet food on it.

Ruff-Ruff: Yep, yep. We take pride in our dietary options. You can search this whole place, you won’t find a single crumb of dry food! So, Queen Indi, tell us a little about yourself.

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: She says that she lives in the backyard, and chases away any cats or squirrels that might be there. She is very fond of food and tummy rubs, and…

Spike: Wait a second! Did you say…Katz?

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: Yes.

Killer: You have Katz here?

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: Unfortunately.

Ruff-Ruff: This is awful! Why wasn’t I informed of this?

Tom: (Defensively) What’s wrong with cats?

Ruff-Ruff: This makes our whole mission much more urgent!

Tom: What’s wrong with cats?

Ruff-Ruff: What’s wrong with Katz? What’s wrong with Katz? They’re fat, evil, self-centered malicious demons only concerned with universal conquest and their own petty needs!

Killer: Isn’t that what we’re doing?

Ruff-Ruff: What?

Killer: I said, isn’t that what we’re doing? I mean, I thought that we were only trying to get Earth in order to suck out its natural resources and expand our Empire.

Ruff-Ruff: Yes, but…but…we’re doing it in a good way!

Tom: (Muttering) I’m sure they’re not all that bad.

Ruff-Ruff: And besides, they…

There is a coughing sound coming from Spike. They all turn to look at him. Killer runs over and hits Spike on the back of the head repeatedly until a piece of food is dislodged. Everyone rushes over to him.

Ruff-Ruff: Are you all right?

Spike: Yeah, I’m fine. I just got a piece of food lodged or something. (To Killer) Jeez, you practically killed me!

Killer: Uh, sorry.

Ruff-Ruff: Alright, everybody clear out!

Tom, Spike, the contact, the translator, and the others exit.

Killer: Wait, sir. What do you think we should do about this?

Ruff-Ruff: What do you mean? Spike said it was an accident.

Killer: Oh, I don’t think we’re dealing with an accident, sir. Look what I found in the food he coughed up.

Killer picks up a fragment of a bone.

Ruff-Ruff: A chicken bone?

Killer: We’re not dealing with an accident, sir. What we’re dealing with is murder.

Pause.

Spike: (Off camera) What? Someone murdered?

Killer: I mean attempted murder.

Fade out.

Scene Eight: Strategy

Same setting as in scene six. Seated around the table are Ruff-Ruff, Killer, Spike, Tom the contact, and the translator, with Ruff-Ruff at the head.

Ruff-Ruff: I am afraid the situation is grave, my comrades. As I’m sure you already know, this planet has been secretly occupied by the Katz for many more years than I can count. It may already be too late. If we don’t act soon, this planet will surely fall into their paws. Killer, as High Military Aggressive Force Grand High Weapons Manager In Charge of Military Weapons Guy, it is up to you what actions we take on this.

Killer: I would recommend force, sir.

Ruff-Ruff: I know that, you idiot! Jeez… I mean, what sort of force do you think we should use?

Killer: I would recommend the Really Big Killer Weapon Gun Thingy.

Spike: Not the RBKWGT! It hasn’t even been tested yet!

Ruff-Ruff: Are you sure that we need that much force?

Killer: Positive, sir. We don’t know how deep of a hold the Katz have on this planet. Our only choice is to destroy it immediately.

Tom: Why do we have to kill everyone? Can’t we negotiate a peace treaty or something?

Ruff-Ruff: Peace? With the Katz? Do you know what you’re saying, man? That’s next to impossible!

Tom: Have you ever tried?

Ruff-Ruff: What? No, but that’s not the point! Everyone knows you can’t negotiate peace with the Katz!

Tom: Maybe you should give them a chance!

Ruff-Ruff: A chance to do what? Kill us all, that’s what! Now, I’ll have no more of this nonsense! There is something else I need to discuss. Killer and I have found that we have a traitor in our midst.

Gasps.

Ruff-Ruff: Someone has tried to poison all of us. We found a chicken bone in the food that Spike coughed up, and, after careful examination, uncovered several more in everyone’s bowls. It’s only luck that we were distracted before we all choked.

More gasps.

Spike: But…no one could have gotten anything into the food! One of us was there at all times!

Ruff-Ruff: Yes. One of us.

Yet more gasps.

Tom: You can’t mean…someone in this room…

Gasps and suspicious glares.

Spike: One of us?

And more gasps.

Killer: Either me, Ruff-Ruff, Spike, or Tom?

Miraculously, more gasps occur.

Ruff-Ruff: That’s right. Since every one of us was isolated at some point in the tour, no one can be ruled out. Now everyone get out of here. I need to talk to Killer alone.

Spike and Tom exit.

Killer: Do you really think it was one of us, sir?

Ruff-Ruff: Sadly, the evidence suggests it. Do you think it was Spike or Tom?

Killer: What do you mean?

Ruff-Ruff: I know it wasn’t me, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t you. You’re too honest. So that leaves only Spike and Tom.

Killer: I can’t imagine it being Spike, sir! Why would he fall into his own trap?

Ruff-Ruff: Good point. So that leaves…Tom.

Killer: Well, he is new. No one knew him before this mission. And he is a bit…strange.

Ruff-Ruff: You’ve noticed it too? Something not quite right about him… Well, no sense in losing sleep over this. Can’t get overexcited, just because all evidence points to him. Let’s sleep on it, and take care of him in the morning, okay?

Ruff-Ruff and Killer exit.

Scene Nine: Counterblow

Interior. Weapons testing room. A large cannon, the Really Big Killer Weapon Gun Thingy, stands in the center, surrounded by a number of technicians. Among these are Killer and Spike. Also there is the contact and the translator. Ruff-Ruff enters.

Ruff-Ruff: How are things going?

Killer: Well, sir. We’re almost ready to test it now. Would you like to make any announcements?

Ruff-Ruff: Yes, yes I would. Well, well. My fellow Puppy Peoples! Hear my words now! This being my first mission as commanding officer, I am especially proud to have a crew such as you! (Steps up onto a crate and continues with expressive gestures) You aren’t just a crew to me. No, you’re family! Even those that aren’t, are! With our mission almost being completed, I would just like to say… (Pauses in mid-gesture) Where the heck’s Tom?

Cheers and applause from the assembled.

Spike: Well, he said he had to go run some errands, so I opened the gate for him. That was okay with you, right? Only he said…

Ruff-Ruff: I knew it! How long ago was this?

Spike: A couple of hours ago. Did you say it was okay? Because he said that you said…

Ruff-Ruff: A couple of hours? He could be all the way to the next galaxy by now!

Spike: But he said…

Ruff-Ruff: Shut up! He was lying to you, you idiot! He was the murderer, don’t you get it? And now you’ve let him escape! Attempted murderer.

Spike: He said you….

Killer: At least he didn’t cause any more harm, huh sir? I mean he could have sabotaged the Really Big Killer Weapon Gun Thingy or…

Pause.

Ruff-Ruff: Go through with that test, Killer. And pray.

Killer: Yes sir.

The Really Big Killer Weapon Gun Thingy lights up, makes a few sputtering noises, and dies.

Ruff-Ruff: I knew it! I knew it! Start checking everything!

The technicians look under the Really Big Killer Weapon Gun Thingy. One calls out. We zoom in to an opened panel.

Killer: The main power grid!

Ruff-Ruff: How soon can we get another one?

Killer: We can’t! The materials are thousands of light years away!

Ruff-Ruff: Figures. Well, I’ll have to break out the secret weapon.

Ruff-Ruff pulls out two remote control pads. The guards (from scene four) enter. They move jerkily and erratically, and their suits are tattered and skin pale. They each wear a collar, with an antenna on the back.

Killer: Aren’t those the humans that we…

Ruff-Ruff: Yep. I fixed them. Now, they work by remote control. Does anyone have anything of Tom’s?

Spike: I have his old squeaky bone.

Ruff-Ruff: Good. Hand it over.

Spike pulls out a battered squeaky bone, dripping with saliva. Ruff-Ruff takes it and punches some buttons on the remote control pads, then holds it under the guards’ noses.

Ruff-Ruff: Sic ‘em.

The guards exit.

Ruff-Ruff: Now all we have to do is wait…

Fade out.

Scene Ten: Confession

Interior. Weapons testing room. As it opens, everything is as it was at the end of scene nine, except everyone has been seated. The remote controls have been set on the crate. The guards enter, dragging Tom between them.

Ruff-Ruff: Well, well. Here we are. The traitor has been caught, eh?

Tom: It wasn’t me!

Killer: Ow contrary! You’re the only person it could possibly have been! And we noticed something…strange about you. Something…not quite dog-like?

Tom: It wasn’t me, I tell you!

Ruff-Ruff: You know, the moment I first met you, I knew something wasn’t right. You smelled fake. Not like a dog at all. More like…a Katz!

Tom: Alright, I admit it! I’m a cat! I stowed away on your ship! But I didn’t try to kill anyone! I joined your crew to get away from the cats! I like dogs!

Spike: If that’s so, why did you sneak out for hours? And you said that Ruff-Ruff said…

Tom: I was trying to arrange a peace treaty with my people! And you know what they said? “Peace with the dogs? Everyone knows that they’re bloodthirsty mindless savages interested only in the development of their feeble empire and feeding their faces!”

Ruff-Ruff: If it wasn’t you, than who was it?

The guards suddenly turn and grab Ruff-Ruff, Killer, Spike, and Tom.

Ruff-Ruff: Who’s doing that?

Camera focuses on contact. We se that she has grabbed the remote controls. She has also tied the translator up with the leash.

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: She says, “It’s me, you idiots! It was me all along! The chicken bones, the power grid, all me!”

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: “Speaking of the power grid, maybe I should put that back now.”

The contact walks over and places the power grid in the hole. The Really Big Killer Weapon Gun Thingy lights up and focuses on an X on the ground. The guards drag Ruff-Ruff, Killer, Spike, and Tom to the X, and begin to tie them down.

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: “At first I just wanted to get the leaders out of the way. That would leave the ones remaining in enough confusion to be no harm. But when you gave the order to destroy the whole planet, I knew that I had to act drastically.”

Ruff-Ruff: But why?

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: “Because I like humans, that’s why! They take care of me! They’ve come up with better food and treats than you ever could! And you want to destroy them all! My only choice is to feed you all!”

Pause.

Spike: Oh, well that’s okay.

Translator: Oh, wait. That was “kill you all.” Sorry, I’m new at this language.

Killer: You’ll never get away with this!

Pause.

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: She wants to know why.

Pause.

Killer: Because I said so!

The contact has placed one of the remote controls near Ruff-Ruff’s foot. Killer nudges Ruff-Ruff and points this out. Ruff-Ruff motions for Killer to keep talking.

Killer: You know, I’m sure we could reach a negotiation. If you’ll just let us go…

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: She say’s she’s not falling for that one. (Clears throat) Hmm-hmm. “I’m going to let you go, and then you’ll try and capture me. Oh, no. I won’t fall for that one.”

The contact prepares to press a large red button marked “FIRE.”

Killer: Wait! Um, uh…why don’t you gloat and brag some more? Tell us how perfectly you pulled it off!

Ruff-Ruff almost has the remote control.

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: “It was perfect, wasn’t it? Every little detail was a mark of excellence… Nobody could have done a better job than I, Queen Indi, Depletor of…

Contact: Ruff.

Translator: “Hey!” she exclaims.

Ruff-Ruff has gotten the remote control, and is having the guard untie the ropes. The contact sees this, and grabs the other remote control. As that guard advances, the other blocks his way. A jerky battle ensues, with neither side winning. Finally, there is a low humming, and both guards slow and then stop completely.

Ruff-Ruff: I knew I should have used Enercell!™

The contact prepares to press the “FIRE” button again, but is stopped by a gloved hand. She turns around to see the mugger from scene three, who punches her out.

Killer: Well, well. Look who we have here! Come to conduct another trade?

Mugger: I’ve come to join your ranks. I can tell you a lot about our technology…for a price. You need to leave Earth alone. Then, I will become one of the Puppy People!

Ruff-Ruff: Peoples! Puppy Peoples! Nobody gets that right! Anyway, how’d you know we’d be here? Our base is radar-invisible and unperceivable by any satellite technology!

Mugger: I followed you. Now, would you like to make a deal?

Ruff-Ruff: I don’t know…

Mugger: I’ll tell you my grandma’s secret corn beef recipe.

Ruff-Ruff: Done! Now please untie us…Corporal!

Spike: Why does he get to be Corporal? I’ve been here longer…

As they are arguing, camera pans up to the full moon, then fade out.

Narrator: The End. That means you can go now. Go on! I mean it! Get outta here… Hmph.