191 SpookTACular Halloween Jokes and Riddles for Kids

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191 SpookTACular Halloween Jokes and Riddles for Kids

Your friends will DIE laughing when they hear these 100% kid-tested jokes, riddles, brainteasers, and higher math problems. If you like jokes about witches, goblins, skeletons, bats, spiders, Draculas, and more, you’re in for a treat!

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Q: Why did the ghost bump into the goblin?
A: He had lost his spooktacles.
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Q: What’s a mummy’s favorite type of music?
A: Wrap music.
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Q: What was the witch doing behind her hemlock garden at 2:35 a.m. the Wednesday after Halloween?
A: Burying her pet frog—because it had croaked.
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Q: Like most young skeletons his age, Chad Avers was taking xylophone lessons—using his ribs as an instrument, of course. The night before the big Halloween concert, Chad was in his crypt, boning up on a particularly ticklish piece by the renowned composer Johann Sebastian Backbone. What tune was Chad practicing?
A: Das wohltemperierte Schlüsselbein [The Well-Tempered Clavicle]
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Q: What did Dracula say when he visited Vienna?
A: [in a Transylvanian accent] “This sausage is the wurst!”
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Q: How did Al Capone know that his lieutenant, “Machine Gun” Jack McGurn, had turned into a ghoul?
A: He kept demanding “a pound of flesh.”
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Q: Chad’s younger brother, Morty, was also practicing a piece for the big Halloween concert. It was a bare-bones melody, regularly assigned to young skeletons as their first performance piece, though you may find the name a little humerus. What was it?
A: “Hot Cross Bones”
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Q: How are alien languages constructed?
A: From xenomorphemes.
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Q: Why did the black cat cross the overpass?
A: It wanted to get up to some high jinx.
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Q: Why did Pedipalp Gore lose the 2000 election?
A: All the other spiders thought he was crazy after he claimed he’d built a “world-wide web”!
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Q: What’s a spirit’s favorite type of cheese?
A: Booyére.
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Q: Why didn’t Jaws take his girlfriend to the Jack-O’-Lantern Bash?
A: Because he never learned how to dance.
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Q: What’s black, white, green, red, and purple?
A: A zombie zebra in a purple blazer.
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Q: Why did the banshee cross the English channel?
A: To visit Paris, so she could see her favorite painting hanging at the Boovre—the Moaning Lisa!
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Q: What’s more terrifying than a screaming, charging, bloodthirsty wendigo?
A: Nothing.
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Q: A phantom train departed Grand Cenotaph Station for Ectoplasm Plaza, 235 phantometers away, at 2:35 a.m. one Wednesday morning near Halloween. Fifteen minutes later, a second train left Ectoplasm Plaza for Grand Cenotaph Station, traveling along the same set of tracks. (Phantom trains being incorporeal, they had no worry of a collision.) The second train’s average speed was 10 phantometers per hour faster than twice the speed of the initial train. If a mummy standing on the tracks exactly midway between Grand Cenotaph Station and Ectoplasm Plaza reports that the trains passed through him at exactly the same time, what was the average speed of the initial train?
A: Assume the trains spent a negligible amount of time accelerating and decelerating and maintained close to their average speed for the entire trip. Call x the average speed of the slower train (p₁) and y the average speed of the faster train (p₂). We know that y = 2x + 10. We also know that the midpoint, m, of the two stations is equal to 235 / 2, or 117.5 miles. If t₁ is the time needed for the slower train to reach m, and t₂ is the time it takes the faster train to arrive at the same location (remember that p₂ departed its station 15 minutes after p₁ left its own starting point), using the speed-distance formula, we can calculate t₁ as t₁ = 117.5 / x. Since t₂ = t₁ − 15 (in other words, p₂—due to its delayed departure—took fifteen fewer minutes than p₁ to reach point m), and t₂ = 117.5 / y (replicating the process used to calculate t₁), we can do some simple substitution: t₁ − 15 = 117.5 / y (transitive property of equality), which we can further refine to x / 117.5 − 15 = 117.5 / y (substitution property of equality), and finally 117.5 / x − 15 = 117.5 / (x + 10) (substitution property again). Multiplying both sides by x (multiplication property of equality) yields 117.5 − 15x = 117.5x / (x + 10). If we then repeat the operation with (x + 10), we are left with 117.5x + 1175 − 15x² − 150x = 117.5x. Let’s now clean up the left side by combining like terms: −15x² − 32.5x + 1175 = 117.5x. Subtract 117.5x from both sides (subtraction property of equality) to get −15x² − 150x + 1175 = 0. Plugging this into the quadratic formula yields two real solutions for x, which can be approximated as −15.1653 and +5.1653 phantometers per hour. Since the former solution would have the phantom train traveling backward, we must accept the latter. Thus, the initial train departed Grand Cenotaph Station at the truly terrifying rate of ~5.1653 phantometers per hour! (1 phantometer = 666 miles.)
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Q: What was the velocity of the second train?
A: Its terminal velocity.
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Q: Why were both trains traveling at such dangerous speeds?
A: Both of their conductors were late.
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Q: What’s scarier than a haunted doll with no face?
A: Nothing.
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Q: Chad and Morty’s father, Ezekiel, likes to impress his children with stories of the bone-rattling performance he gave many years ago. What was the name of the song that Ezekiel played?
A: The William Patella Overture (theme from The Bone Ranger).
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Q: Why was the undertaker fired from his job?
A: He’d made a grave mistake.
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Q: Where do young witches learn deportment, etiquette, and social graces?
A: Charm school.
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Q: A teen werewolf was getting ready for the Jack-O’-Lantern Bash. He had the tux (tearaway for easy changing), the tickets, and the corsage, but he still needed something very important. What was it?
A: A shave.
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Q: What did the jack-o’-lantern turn off MTV in a fright?
A: They were playing Smashing Pumpkins.
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Q: What is a scarecrow’s favorite Halloween candy?
A: Candy corn.
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Q: What did Chad and Morty wear to their big performance at the Jack-O’-Lantern Bash?
A: Nothing.
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Q: Dracula’s son is 235 years younger than his father. If you combine their ages, you get a number that is equal to the square of Dracula’s son’s age. What year was Dracula born?
A: Assume no partial ages (e.g., 17 years and 2 months). Let a_Drac represent Dracula’s age and a_son represent Dracula’s son’s age. We know that a_son = a_Drac − 235 and that a_son + a_Drac = (a_son)². Solving each equation for a_Drac, we get a_Drac = a_son + 235 and a_Drac = (a_son)² − a_son. Using the transitive property of equality, we can infer that a_son + 235 = (a_son)² − a_son. Subtracting (a_son + 235) from both sides (subtraction property) gets us 0 = (a_son)² − 2(a_son) − 235. Plugging this into the quadratic formula yields two real solutions for a_son: either −14.36229 or +16.36229 (rounding to the nearest hundred thousandths of a year). Since only one of these gives us a positive age for Dracula’s son, whom we must assume is already born, that means that Dracula’s son is about 16 years and 132.24 days, discounting leap years. Dracula, who is 235 years older than his son, is therefore a little more than 251 years old. Assuming it is currently Halloween 2019, that would put Dracula’s birthdate, depending on the current time of day, at about June 20th or June 21st, 1768 (again, discounting leap years). (Halloween is the 304th day of a normal year.)
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Q: Why was Cookie Monster happy to learn he had gotten a 72% on his spelling test?
A: Because “C is for Cookie”!
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Q: What did the killer clown order at the malt shop?
A: A root beer float.
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Q: What did the gremlin say when he found out his wife was pregnant?
A: “Great—another 235 mouths to feed!”
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Q: What’s a poltergeist’s favorite TV channel?
A: Dead air.
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Q: What argument did the devil’s advocate use to get his client acquitted in the trial of Blair v. Satan?
A: “Possession is nine-tenths of the law.”
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Q: What’s the most unsettling thing you can see when you answer the door on Halloween night?
A: Nothing.
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Q: Why did the witch send her steak back at the restaurant?
A: The meat was still pink—she’d ordered the baby well done!
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Q: Four ghosts accidentally showed up to haunt the same house on Halloween night. There were a ghost with no eyes, a ghost with no ears, a ghost with no mouth, and a ghost with no fingernails. What did the ghost with no fingernails say when she saw the ghost with no mouth?
A: “How do you boo?”
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Q: What did the ghost with no eyes say when she saw the ghost with no ears?
A: Nothing.
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Q: Boris, Bela, Christopher, Vincent, and Elvira were dividing up their Halloween candy after a particularly lucrative night of trick-or-treating. The five siblings started out by putting all 235 pieces of candy into a big pile in the middle of the floor. Then, they tried to decide who got what. Bela, as the oldest, felt he was the most responsible for the sibling’s winnings, since he had led their strategy, deciding which houses to visit and in what order. Therefore, he felt he was entitled to at least twice as many pieces of candy as any other sibling. Christopher, the tallest, argued that he was the most intimidating of the group, and therefore he should get no less than his fair share: one-fifth of the candy. Boris was in a monstrous mood and threatened to go on a rampage if he got any fewer pieces of candy than Vincent, with whom he had a vicious rivalry. The calculating Vincent instantly made the same demand. Elvira, bored by her brothers’ usual squabbling, said that she didn’t really care how much candy she got—she was watching her figure, anyway—and offered to divide up the candy according the each sibling’s specifications, taking whatever was left over for herself. However, she secretly wanted to get as much candy as she could, plotting to feed her entire share (especially the chocolate) to the dog. In the bag, there are 27 Crunch bars, 13 Almond Joys, and 44 Tootsie Rolls. How can Elvira divvy up the candy to make their pup, Frankenweenie, as sick as possible?
A: There’s not much she can do about Christopher’s request: he wants one-fifth of the candy, so she gives him 47 pieces, leaving 188 for the remaining siblings. Boris and Vincent will go postal unless they get the exact same amount of candy as each other, but they made no other stipulations, so she can safely give them each 0 pieces—each brother still has no fewer pieces than the other one. Finally, Bela only stated that he wanted twice as much candy as any sibling, not the sibling with the most candy, so she gives him twice as much candy as Boris: two times zero is still zero. Elvira gets all 188 remaining pieces of candy—including all 27 Crunch bars, 13 Almond Joys, and 44 Tootsie Rolls—to feed to Frankenweenie. The dog will most certainly perish. Where are their parents?
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Q: What’s the creature from the Black Lagoon’s favorite jam band?
A: Phish.
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Q: What’s Dracula’s idea of a romantic date?
A: A few rounds at the batting cages, then back to your apartment—where he hopes you’ll invite him inside for a quick bite.
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Q: What comes for you when you discover the black mark upon the back of your right hand?
A: Nothing.
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Q: Chad’s sister, Anna Tomica, never developed the knack for music—her instructors told her she had a tin ear bone. She is, however, very flexible (she’s basically all cartilage), and she loves gymnastics. What is Anna’s favorite routine?
A: The flying trapezium.
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Q: What did the policeman say when he arrested the headless horseman for murdering his shift supervisor at Chile’s?
A: “That’s no way to get a head in life.”
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Q: What is a spiderling’s favorite song?
A: “Head, shoulders, knees and knees and knees and knees and knees and knees and knees and knees and toes and toes and toes and toes and toes and toes and toes and toes.”
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Q: Scientists researching the Blob calculate that the creature is increasing in size at a rate that can be modeled by s_current = (2t² + 3t + 5s_initial)(4v² + 6v + 10s_initial), where s_current is the Blob’s current size, in square milliphantometers, s_initial is the Blob’s most recent stable size, also in square milliphantometers, t is the time, in minutes, since the Blob consumed its most recent victim, and v is the mass, in pounds, of said victim. Given an initial stable size of 14 square milliphantometers and a victim size of 187 pounds, after how many minutes will the Blob’s momentary rate of growth be exactly 235 square milliphantometers per minute?
A: We won’t spoil the fun—see if you can find the answer yourself! (Note: solving this riddle requires the use of limits and derivatives, so we recommend younger children seek the assistance of an older [5th grade or higher] sibling or cousin.)
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Q: Why did the recently turned zombie break down her best friend’s door?
A: She wanted to know what he had in mind for dinner.
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Q: What is Wolfman’s deepest fear?
A: Nothing.
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Q: How did the witch know she had found true love?
A: She found somebody who loved her—warts and all.
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Q: What was the flying eyeball’s favorite pop-punk band from the ’90s?
A: Blink 182.
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Q: What did the necromancer CEO do after his best employee died?
A: He gave her a raise.
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Q: The famous ghoul psychiatrist, Dr. Sickmund Fungoid, was interviewing his patient, Swamp Thing, about his deepest fears, when Swamp Thing confessed something that chilled Dr. Fungoid to his very core. What did the good doctor write in his notebook?
A: Nothing.
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Q: Why did Dr. Frankenstein run in terror from his creation?
A: He’d tried to make a child for his monster and its bride. A little boy—made of slugs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails!
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Q: What did the fortune teller show to her customer that caused him to commit suicide that very evening?
A: Nothing.
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Q: What did Dracula’s son say when his playmate offered him a Capri Sun?
A: “I never drink…juice.”
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Q: How did Mrs. Samsa end up dating a cockroach?
A: Her Tinder bio said she wanted a boyfriend who stood over six feet.
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Q: What is so terrifying about nothing?
A: The more you wipe out, the faster it spreads.
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Q: Where does Slenderman sleep?
A: Outside your bedroom window.
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Q: Why did Dracula only have one child?
A: He didn’t want a bunch of little ankle biters running around.
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Q: What do ghosts wear to go hiking?
A: Boo jeans.
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Q: What is Chad’s mother’s favorite television program from the ’90s?
A: Sacrum Tweak, a sci-fi drama starring Scott Scapula as Sam Socket, a scientist who has been dislocated in time.
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Q: Paula Pumpkinhead was in the Young Journalists club at Halloween High, and she wrote for the school paper, the Cenotaph Courier. On the night before Halloween, she texted something to her editor, Manhunter Thompson, that made him immediately call 911, fearing for her safety. What was it?
A: She told him she was following the “scoop of the century!”
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Q: How can you escape from nothing?
A: You can’t. Nothing is inevitable.
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Q: What was the bat family doing the day before Halloween?
A: Just hanging around.
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Q: After banging on his ribcage all night, Chad Avers decided to unwind by watching an action movie starring his favorite skeletal actress. What did he watch?
A: Kill Mandible: Vol. 2, starring Ulna Sternum.
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Q: What kind of spider has eleven legs, two-inch fangs dripping venom, and is covered with black and red polka dots?
A: I don’t know, but it’s crawling up your sleeve.
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Q: Why was the Gravediggers Association especially busy during World War II?
A: All its members are experts in cryptography.
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Q: Why did Freddy Krueger spend Halloween in the Bahamas?
A: He was on his dream vacation.
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Q: How can you fight nothing?
A: You can’t. Nothing is insurmountable.
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Q: What is an owl’s favorite song?
A: “Who Let the Dogs Out? Who! Who! Whooooo!”
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Q: What is the Goblin King’s favorite holiday?
A: I bet you thought it was Halloween. In fact, it’s Thanksgiving. He just loves a good excuse for a little goblin!
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Q: What do worms eat on Halloween?
A: Mostly dirt.
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Q: What do you get when you combine a candy apple with another candy apple?
A: Two candy apples.
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Q: What did Chad’s father, Ezekiel, do on the night before Halloween?
A: Not much—it was a tibial day at the office.
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Q: What’s a ghost’s favorite late ’80s television series?
A: 21 Jump Street.
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Q: Why did Dracula quit his job at the Outback Steakhouse?
A: Do you really need me to spell this out for you?
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Q: How can you defeat nothing?
A: You can’t. Nothing is eternal.
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Q: Billy lived next door to an extremely elderly woman named Mrs. Embolism. Even though his mother told him not to, he loved to spy on Mrs. Embolism as she puttered around her house muttering to her thirteen black cats. One day, Billy saw a tall figure in a black robe knock on Mrs. Embolism’s door. “Must be a gardener,” Billy thought, noticing the long, curved scythe the figure held in its impossibly skinny and pale hands. Mrs. Embolism’s lawn was always grey, withered, and choked with weeds. When Mrs. Embolism opened the door a crack, careful not to let any of her thirteen black cats escape, the cloaked figure leaned forward and whispered something in her ear. Billy knew Mrs. Embolism was almost as deaf as she was blind, but she must have heard something, because her cataract-covered eyes went wide with fright. The cloaked figure turned and strode away, and although its hood hung over its face, Billy could swear that for a moment, he could see an empty skull where the head should be. Mrs. Embolism quickly put on the bathrobe and slipper she wore whenever she left the house and rushed to her car, moving as if her life depended on it. A half hour later, she returned with two bags of groceries. Unable to contain his curiosity, Billy ran outside and asked her what the figure had told her that had made her leave in such a hurry. What was Mrs. Embolism’s reply?
A: “Oh, it was the strangest thing. A very helpful young man, he was. Must have been from the supermarket. And here I was, planning to bake some cheddar biscuits this weekend, too. At any rate, he told me the thyme was almost out. So I rushed over there, but you know what? It’s the funniest thing—they had plenty!”
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Q: What were Dracula and his son doing the day before Halloween?
A: Sleeping.
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Q: What honor did Paula Pumpkinhead, journalist for the Cenotaph Courier, hope to one day receive?
A: A Boolitzer Prize.
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Q: What did the werewolf say when his girlfriend arrived early to pick him up for the Jack-O’-Lantern Bash?
A: “Don’t come in—I’m changing!”
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Q: What are words to remind yourself?
A: “Nothing is impossible. Nothing is forever. Nothing can hurt me if I don’t let it.”
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Q: Where do nagas keep all their old skins?
A: The shed.
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Q: What did Dracula order when he visited Montreal?
A: Bootine.
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Q: What happened to Wolfman at 2:35 a.m. on the Wednesday before Halloween?
A: Nothing.
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Q: What was that sound?
A: Nothing.
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Q: 235 passengers boarded the phantom train at Grand Cenotaph Station at 2:35 a.m. the night before Halloween, having recently perished in a building collapse. There were 37 families traveling together—that is, 37 mothers, 37 fathers, and 52 children (some families had multiple children). There were also 25 couples without children, 17 elderly people traveling alone, 18 men traveling alone, 9 women, and 15 unaccompanied minors. When the train pulled into the station, the conductor counted the passengers again. This time, he only counted 34 families, 22 couples without children, 16 senior citizens, 16 men, 9 women, and no unaccompanied minors. What happened to the remaining 33 passengers?
A: Nothing.
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Q: What happened to famous ghoul psychiatrist Dr. Sickmund Fungoid as he walked home from his office, notebook in his pocket, on an especially dark and quiet night?
A: Nothing.
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Q: What cast that shadow on the window?
A: Nothing.
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Q: What did Manhunter Thompson find when he pulled into the abandoned canning factory at 2:35 a.m. on Halloween night?
A: Nothing.
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Q: What did Chad Avers see when he looked into his family’s eyes during the big Halloween performance?
A: Nothing.
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Q: Who’s there?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing,
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Q: [curtains rustling]
A: Nothing.
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Q: Show yourself!
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: [desk drawer opening, closing]
A: Nothing.
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Q: I have a knife…
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: Where did you go?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: [drawer opens and closes briefly; slosh of liquid]
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: You can’t trick me!
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: I’m not showing my belly to you!
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: I know what you did to the others!
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: You thought I wouldn’t notice, but I know…
A: Nothing.
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Q: [slosh of liquid]
A: Nothing.
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Q: …what was in their eyes…
A: Nothing.
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Q: [tinkle of glass]
A: Nothing.
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Q: …their mouths…
A: Nothing.
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Q: …their souls…
A: Nothing.
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Q: [footsteps crossing from center of room to window. rattling of latch. footsteps crossing back.]
A: Nothing.
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Q: I saw what you deposited inside them.
A: Nothing.
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Q: That sickening expanse of…
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: [footsteps crossing from center of room to door. rattling of chains. footsteps crossing back.]
A: Nothing.
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Q: Why are you doing this?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: Is it something that I did? Is it…
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: Is this some twisted notion of perdition?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: [gentle weeping]
A: Nothing.
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Q: Are you God?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: The Devil?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: No…I don’t suppose you’re anything so quotidian.
A: Nothing.
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Q: I don’t believe there’s a word for what you are.
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: [gentle weeping]
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: Hello?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: [footsteps pacing the room]
A: Nothing.
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Q: [sound of furniture being moved]
A: Nothing.
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Q: Can it be?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: [curtains rustling]
A: Nothing.
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Q: Thank God! Oh, thank Heaven!
A: Nothing.
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Q: [something metallic clattering to the floor]
A: Nothing.
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Q: It’s nearly daylight…
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: Have I…won?
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: It’s really—
A: Nothing.
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Q: Oh.
A: Nothing.
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Q: Oh God.
A: Nothing.
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Q: God, please, no.
A: Nothing.
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Q: Is that a face?
A: Nothing.
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Q: Nonononono—
A: Nothing.
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Q: [unintelligible screaming]
A: Nothing.
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Q: [flesh collapsing]
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: [unintelligible gurgling]
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q: …
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A: Nothing.
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Q:
A:
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Q:
A:
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