5 Clues Pritchard Is Actually a Woman

Ferdinand L’Apogee’s latest novel, Night Spots, dropped this week, and readers have already developed a controversial theory about a fan-favorite character.

A Simple Question

Cat bites can be accidental—for example, the kitten learns that human teeth are a novel sensation, then it may try to scratch out the edges of its mouth as it plays, never realizing that his teeth are “safe” and she is not a human being. He will frequently play-bite so that no more has to be said.

Fatal Purr (Part 7: Conclusion)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 The film loops through several times as TOYS, including PANDORA, file in and watch, each adding her voice to the song with quiet ooh’s. Finally, ENGINEER #1 bursts in from offstage and the music/film stops abruptly. ENGINEER #1 has now acquired a number […]

Fatal Purr (Part 6)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 The door explodes off its hinges and clatters to the floor moments before the TOY, still deranged from her run-in with the toilet bowl, lands atop it. Before they can react, she grabs CLANK and SCUFFLE by their legs and carries them, inverted and screaming, […]

Fatal Purr (Part 5)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 The stage begins to sink again under waves of heroic flourishes from the orchestra. As the surface reaches its halfway-point, CLANK and SCUFFLE become visible, examining the trapdoor from above. The ENGINEERS and SERAGLIO linger below, with only their heads and shoulders in sight. CLANK: Yep. SCUFFLE: […]

Fatal Purr (Part 4)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 ACT II An ear-splitting wail starts up behind the curtain. It pulls back, again with no orchestral assistance, to show the stage exactly as it was before the curtain closed, with one exception. An anonymous ENGINEER crouches center-stage, cranking an air-raid siren. More ENGINEERS shuffle in and drag him […]

Fatal Purr (Part 3)

Part 1 Part 2 The row of stalls gives a jerk, throwing the ENGINEERS against the walls and slamming the doors shut. Against yet another orchestral flourish, the bathroom set proceeds to retract back into the wings, revealing SERAGLIO still hunched shaking in his office, buried in crimson-blotched tissues. As the desktop statuette’s eyes light […]

Fatal Purr (Part 2)

Part 1 The ENGINEERS back into the new wall and spin around in horror as another begins to lower behind the stack of toys. As it hits the ground with a thud, a third and fourth wall descend, trapping the scene from sight. The ENGINEERS begin to scream above the sirenesque chant of the TOYS […]

Fatal Purr (Part 1)

I wrote this during my honeymoon. I regret nothing. FATAL PURR -B. Alexander Campbell ACT I A red velvet curtain covers the stage. It slowly opens to a grand orchestral flourish, revealing a huge neon sign that reads “Minimally Invasive Toys.” The neon intensifies until it is near-blinding, then goes black with a pop and […]

Invasion of the Puppy Peoples

*Note: this is the original text of my 1999/2000 Scholastic Art & Writing Award-winning screenplay. Aaaaaaaawwwwwwwww yeah. Invasion of the Puppy Peoples A Space Comedy in One Act Scene One: Introduction Various space scenes—stars, moon, etc—flit across the screen as theme is played. The camera focuses in on a faraway speck, zooms in to reveal […]